All in a Name

I suppose I did subconsciously choose the name white_oleander for a reason. I put my profile back up after the break-up with Buddha_Man and I admittedly was feeling let down and angry. You could say I was feeling disappointed in the entire male population when I pondered the name. I didn’t think anyone would really get it. Probably they would see the name and think~ hmmm…a flower….that’s nice. But one of them got it and wrote me this:

Rufus18: Numerous attempts at reconciliation leave Ingrid more and more humiliated and culminate with her breaking into Barry’s house and spreading a mixture of DMSO, an arthritis drug, and oleander sap all over the surfaces of Barry’s home. The DMSO allows the oleander poison to be absorbed into skin, ostensibly killing Barry. White Oleander?

I felt strangely exposed. This guy was a lawyer and he obviously got the connotation. How many of the men on there read the novel or watched the film White Oleander? I figured (wrong!) it would be my little secret. I responded:

It’s an interesting story isn’t it? Anything to do with me? No. :-) But I do love to write

I sent this off and then changed my name to Jane_Err. And I awaited his reply. He has a boat that he says he loves to tour around the Gulf Islands in. He wrote that he’s busy building his practice and has little time for anything else. His intentions are: does not want anything serious. So he has little time and doesn’t want anything serious. I doubt I’ll hear back from him.

In the meantime Robert the ex-roommate and I have been texting and we had a long chat at my place the other day. Internet dating experience and relationships was the topic of choice. He mentioned that he’s seen women on this particular site who have been on there for years (now, if he knows that then he’s just as guilty) and he figured they are looking for something that just doesn’t exist.

“Well, I’ve been on for a few years now too and I don’t think I am looking for perfection, Robert.”

“I think it’s a subconscious thing, Adrienne,” and he gave me a little compassionate nod which set me thinking.

I’m not a serial dater. Yes, I’ve gone on more than 50 coffee dates but that isn’t the same as someone who never commits. I commit. I’ve surpassed that fateful six months expiry date that has plagued me. I ignored blowing of the nose after dinner in a restaurant and placing it on the empty plate. I’ve accepted wolfing down huge bowls of ice cream lined with cookies in bed. Okay with the dishtowel tucked into the pajama top to catch drips. Every night. I’ve looked away when the finger disappears into the ear and major mining commences and THEN the examination and wiping off on the pants. I’ve accepted the bringing in Tim Horton’s soup into the theater and slurping during the credits. Well, I could go on, but I won’t. The point is I don’t expect, nor would I want, the perfect man.

It’s interesting that I’m finding Robert attractive now that he’s moved out. I always did, but kept the barriers up as he was my roommate. I needed him to be that more than I needed him to be my lover/partner. We never crossed that line. Remember the Italian Stallion? When I told him about Robert and how he and lived together he lit right up.

“So did you walk around naked in front of him? No? You missa all the fun?”

We were very respectful of each other. We would discuss our relationships that both of us were engaged in. He did tell me many times about ‘his type.’  And I am it, with my blond hair and green eyes. And his look is attractive to me: Tall, nice shaped shaved head and this deep whiskey and cigarettes voice. He’s a sexy, virile man. Not only that, but Brian is a man of good character. You don’t mess with him. And he’s honest and kind. When he smiles, well…you get the picture.

He texted me yesterday.

It was nice seeing you last night

So, I responded…


Funny, we know we can live together because we did it very amicably for two years. I file him under M for maybe. In the meantime, the lawyer wrote back in response to my changing my name to Jane_Err.

Hence, the name Jane Eyre?

Referring to my admission of a love of writing. I wrote back.

That’s right

And the search continues. I, like Jane, search for love and belonging, but need the independence too. Maybe Mr. Rochester just doesn’t exist. And so the search continues.


All in a Name © 2011 Adrienne S Moody. Click Adrienne’s tag for more stories.


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